So you may feel that you aren’t being approached as often as you deserve. You’re going out and being social, but you just don’t see why other women get “hit on” more than you do. I have good news for you. This situation is really much simpler than you think it is. The fact you must remember is that when men are considering making the first approach, they don’t know anything about you yet (other than what they gather from your appearance or maybe a mutual friend). This means that there are very few reasons why a man WON’T approach you. In fact, there are only four main reasons. If you find that you aren’t getting approached enough, I’m willing to bet that one of them applies to you. The first two are fairly obvious; the other two are a bit more subtle. I can explain all of them and offer a simple solution to each.
First, a quick disclaimer. We are only talking about the phase from when a man first sees you to when he finally asks for your number or asks you on the first date. We are NOT talking about why men choose not to continue a relationship after the first date. We’re just talking about the very beginning here.
Also, there are TONS of internal fears/issues (shyness, lack of confidence, unrealistic standards, etc.) that men can have that might stop them from approaching women. We aren’t discussing those here. What we’re discussing here are the things that are under YOUR control.
And a final note, remember that sometimes not being approached is a GOOD thing! Go figure. You’ll see this as I explain further below.
Onward to the four reasons!
Reason Number One: He doesn’t find you physically attractive.
I won’t go into this too much. This one is fairly obvious, and you women are the experts in this area. There’s an endless list of ways to make yourself better looking. Get a makeover. Learn how to do your hair and makeup better. Develop healthy habits and start a workout routine. Learn how to dress in ways that enhance your better features. You can’t instantly become a super model, but you CAN always look your best. And frankly, there’s no reason not to.
Reason Number Two: You’re currently occupied or unapproachable.
A man won’t approach you if you’re obviously busy or occupied with something. Here are some common mistakes I see.
In a bar or party situation, a common mistake I see is when women are out with too big of a group. Unless he’s particularly confident and bold, a man likely will not approach you if you’re occupied in conversation with four other people. If you’re hoping to be approached, try to keep it to just another friend or two.
A man also likely won’t approach you if you’re too occupied with your electronic devices or your reading material. If you’re hoping to be approached, take out the headphones and look around the room occasionally. If you see a cute guy, try to hold eye contact for a second and give him a slight smile. This is one of the best ways to indirectly tell him “hey, I’d be open to you saying hi to me.”
The general rule for any situation is to appear open to being approached by displaying open body language (facing slightly toward the room) and not avoiding eye contact. These two simple signals are very easy ways to show us that you’re open to a conversation.
Reason Number Three: You’re TOO physically attractive.
Here’s where things get a little confusing. I know that in reason number one I said to always look your best. Unfortunately, the better looking you are, the more likely you are to be seen as “out of his league” and thus not approachable. But as I mentioned earlier, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing! This simply means that only the most confident men will approach you. If you’re ok with this, then congrats! However, if you’re still wanting to be approached more often, then read on.
When a man considers approaching you, he needs to know that he has a reasonable chance with you. When you’re seen as a “nine” or a “ten,” this means that the majority of men won’t be confident enough to think that you would give them a chance.
No, this doesn’t mean that you should make yourself less attractive. This simply means that if you’re truly one of the better looking women and you want to be approached more, you’ll have to make yourself more approachable by being friendlier and more outgoing. Smile more, start more conversations with new people, show the men around you that you aren’t stuck up and unfriendly.
If you’re very good-looking, yet you seem bored and unimpressed with the people around you, you definitely give off a bit of the “bitch” vibe. On the contrary, if you demonstrate that you’re open to a conversation and won’t immediately dismiss new people, you’ll be much more likely to be approached.
Reason Number Four: You’re seen as too much effort.
Here’s the really complicated one. Depending on what you’re looking for, being seen as “too much effort” is usually a good thing! Let me explain.
Here’s the guiding principle:
A man will only pursue a woman if 1) he feels that she is WORTH the effort required to earn her attention and if 2) he is WILLING to put forth this effort.
Being seen as “high effort” manifests in many ways, but essentially this means that you require a lot of effort (time, money, commitment, etc.) from a man before you give him what he wants (your phone number, a date, your trust, etc.). Us guys can be pretty good at guessing how much effort you will require from the way you carry yourself, and from your reputation. If we feel that you require more effort than we are willing to put forth, we will choose not to pursue you.
Unfortunately, this means that if you’re a woman with very high standards and strict rules, men who are willing to pursue you will be less common. Fortunately, this also means that the men who aren’t pursuing you are the men who are just looking for casual encounters and the lazy guys who aren’t willing to put in the effort to EARN your attention. The men who pursue you will only be men who are in it for the long run. Yes, they are rare, but they are the men you want. This is definitely a good thing.
However, if this applies to you and you’re still wanting to be approached more often, I have a few solutions.
1. Make your standards more realistic. It’s possible that you have unrealistic expectations of the men in your life. You must remember that no man is perfect and that all men will inevitably disappoint you eventually. Be sure to keep your expectations in check.
2. As I mentioned with being too attractive, you can also make yourself more approachable by being friendlier and more outgoing. Show the men around you that you’ll at least give them a chance to prove themselves if they approach you.
3. If you’re up for it, dress a little sexier. You want this to be subtle. An easy example is to try wearing something that fits your form a little tighter, yet still keeps you covered up. If all you wear is ultra-conservative, loose-fitting clothing that only exposes your hands and face, this tells us that we’ll likely have to go on ten dates before we ever get even a peck on the cheek.
4. Most importantly, make sure that you are always WORTH the effort that you demand from the men who pursue you. This means that you must always develop skills and characteristics that create both types of attraction within a man. You must always make sure that you’re the best woman you can be.
Extra reason: You’re seen as too easy (AKA a slut).
I didn’t include this one in the main list because if you’re seen as too easy, you’ll still get approached all the time. The problem is that you’ll only be approached by guys who are only looking for easy hook-ups. Men who are looking for something serious will not approach a woman who is regarded this way.
Solution: cover yourself up a bit, don’t sleep with guys that you’ve just met, and adopt some standards for yourself.
Like I said in the beginning, the are other exceptional reasons for not being approached, but these four (and the extra reason) are the main factors under YOUR control that influence whether or not a man will approach you. These are the factors that a man always considers when deciding whether he wants to approach you or not. This is what the situation looks like from his perspective.
The bottom line here is that if you want to be approached, you must communicate (directly or indirectly) that you are both open to meeting a new person in that moment and that you are WORTH being approached.
Once you strike a balance between looking your best and adopting the appropriate standards for the men who approach you, you can be certain that you’re always being approached by the men you want.
Cheers, and happy hunting!
- The Date Advice Guy
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