Cheating. It’s a terrible thing. Getting cheated on is probably one of the worst feelings that most of us will ever go through. When we are cheated on, it makes us feel like the person who did it never cared about us at all; like everything we did for that person was all for nothing. Getting cheated on is an insult to everything we are. All we can think about is where we went wrong, at what point did the relationship go sour, and how much we wish we could just get all that wasted time back.
Today I’m going to share some insight into what’s going on in a man’s mind when he cheats. Sometimes it’s deliberate. Sometimes he cheats on purpose because he resents you, because he enjoys hurting others or because he really just doesn’t care. But sometimes, it’s a much more subtle, subconscious issue that even us men usually can’t explain! Let me be clear; I’m not here to justify or defend cheating – it is ALWAYS wrong. I’m just here to shed some light on the issue.
So why do men cheat? Fortunately, it’s a quick answer.
A man cheats because he knows (or fears) that the relationship isn’t going to last, and he isn’t mature or disciplined enough to control his impulses.
This fear/thought can either be something he knows in his conscious mind (“This won’t last. Screw it, I might as well have some fun.”) or something he isn’t even aware of (“Something is just off about our relationship.. but I don’t know what it is. What am I afraid of?”). I’ll explain both cases.
In the first case, a man cheats simply because he has no intention of being in the relationship for longer than a few weeks or months. He knows he’s going to break up with you in a few weeks, so it doesn’t matter if he cheats right now. The relationship isn’t going to last either way. This behavior is very characteristic of the “player” mindset, and fortunately it’s possible to spot if you know what to look for. This kind of cheating is something he does pretty deliberately. Or it could be that he knows the relationship won’t last in the long run, but he’s too afraid of hurting you and causing drama to simply break up with you. So rather than being honest and breaking up with you and dealing with the drama, he’ll take the easy way out and cheat on you, hoping that you don’t find out.
How do you avoid this situation? Learn how to spot players and liars, and don’t date them.
The second type of cheating is much more tragic. This type of cheating happens in a seemingly happy relationship that has no signs of ending. In most cases, the man actually DOES care for his lady, and DOES NOT want the relationship to end. When you ask a cheater in this situation why he did it, his response will usually be something similar to “I don’t know! It was really stupid. I don’t even care about her, I only care about you!”
This type of cheating is caused by a very deep, subconscious issue that most men don’t even know they are feeling. When he claims that he doesn’t know why he cheated and that he really does care about you, he actually is most likely telling the truth. He honestly doesn’t know what the issue is.
But I do.
This type of cheating is brought on by deep insecurities and fears about the future of the relationship or about your lives together in general. Something in his life is causing him to fear (subconsciously) that the relationship will end in the future.
It could be something related to the relationship itself or it could be related to something external, like the economy and his long-term financial security. In fact, during hard economic times, we actually see an increase in cheating and affairs outside of marriages. If it’s about money, he fears that money problems will lead to problems in your relationship, which could lead to the relationship ending.
If it’s not about money, it could be that he feels unappreciated, that you aren’t excited about him any more and that you’ll eventually leave him. It could be that your relationship has stagnated, that every day together is the same, that the relationship isn’t progressing. Sometimes we men fear that if the relationship isn’t progressing, that means it must be ending in the future. Or it could be that he feels that you are “too good for him” and that you will leave him some day. Unfortunately, there are several issues that could create this fear in the man’s mind, and they aren’t always easy to identify.
The bottom line is that It all comes down to insecurity and fear about the future. And again, most of the time, the man won’t even know that he has these fears. It’s all in his subconscious mind.
So why does insecurity about the future lead to infidelity? Because most men associate their ability to get women to sleep with them with their ability to be successful and secure in life, and because it’s an evolutionary response to spread our genes quickly before things get really bad.
I’m not kidding.
At a deep, subconscious level, most of us men believe that if we are consistently able to get women to sleep with us, we are on the right track to success. If women aren’t sleeping with us, we subconsciously believe that we’re doing something wrong with our lives and that our future is in jeopardy. So when we’re in a relationship and we have any sort of subconscious fears about the future, sleeping with other women is an easy way to feel better and more secure about ourselves. It’s as if our subconscious mind is telling us “I know the future looks bad, but everything will be ok as long as you can still get new women to sleep with you. You should test this ability to make sure you still have it.”
Yes, it’s immature. Yes, it’s an impulse control issue. But unfortunately this subconscious impulse has been ingrained in our minds by millions of years of evolution. In fact, this mindset is one of the things we actually share with other animals. In the animal kingdom, only the strongest, most successful animals with access to the most food and resources get to mate with the females. If the animal does not have access to the females, it means he’s not as strong or resourceful as he should be. It’s because this mindset is so deep-rooted in our nature that most men aren’t able to identify this thought pattern, understand it, and explain it.
Consequently, it takes a great deal of maturity, self-awareness, and security for a man to evolve out of this impulse-driven mindset.
Put another way, this fear is the same fear that causes you to “cheat” on your company by looking around for another job when you fear that you might get fired or laid off in the near future. Only in this case, it’s the right thing to do. Make sense?
So how do you avoid this tragic situation?
For starters, before you get serious with a man, do your best to make sure that he’s secure with himself and his future with you. Life changes will always happen, but make sure he’s the kind of man who confidently adapts to changes in life without being too fearful of the future. Remember, infidelity is driven by fear and impulse control issues, so you want a man who does not have these issues. Men like this do exist, I promise.
Second, make sure that you are consistently having great sex together. A man needs to know that he can always have great sex with his lady and he doesn’t need to look elsewhere. This isn’t a blog about sex, but great sex is very important to a romantic relationship. There are plenty of books and websites out there to help you in this area.
Finally, and most importantly, do everything you can to demonstrate long term security and stability with your behavior. Tell your man as often as you can that you are thrilled to be with him and that you have complete faith in your future together. Show him that there’s nowhere you’d rather be, and that you’ll always stick with him during good times and bad. Show him every day how much you appreciate him for everything he does. If you ever sense that your man is concerned about the future in any way, make an effort to communicate about it and dispel any worries. There shouldn’t be any doubt in your minds. Don’t let there be any insecurities about your future together, because if you aren’t sure that this is the man you want to be with, it might be worth re-examining your priorities and your relationship with him.
Security and stability is an essential human need, and no relationship can be successful without it.
- The Date Advice Guy
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