Happy New Year! Here’s to everything you accomplished in 2013, and to making 2014 even better.
As you know, our goal here is to help you find and maintain successful relationships. A big part of that is understanding what the opposite sex really finds attractive, and improving yourself to maximize your odds of catching their attention.
Too often I hear people ask “how can I get a boyfriend/girlfriend?”
This is a valid question, but it has a fundamental flaw. The question assumes that finding a significant other depends only on external factors, rather than on yourself.
A more appropriate question is “how can I become a person who is naturally attractive to the opposite sex?”
This question addresses the internal factors. It focuses on what we can do before we ever meet that new person to maximize our odds of success. This question is the first factor in the successful dating life equation.
Today we are going to answer that question.
So what is it that really drives attraction?
Good looks? Sure, that’s part of it.
Confidence? Absolutely, but there’s a bigger answer.
Money? It certainly helps, but I’ve met plenty of people with money who are terrible with the opposite sex.
Things like this are certainly helpful, but if you are someone who tries to get by on your looks or your money, you’re in for some disappointment in the long run.
The real answer takes a bit of introspection. Consider that we are human, and humans have needs. We naturally seek to satisfy these needs, and take interest in things that can address our needs. It may sound selfish, but this includes people. If we meet someone who is able to satisfy something we need, we can’t help but take an interest in that person.
This leads us to the answer of attraction. Brace yourself, it’s a bit harsh.
We are most attracted to the person who is most able to satisfy our essential needs.
Yes, I realize this isn’t very romantic. But hey, humans are selfish. The harsh truth is that if we have nothing to gain from another person, we will have no interest in that person. By understanding this natural tendency, we can begin to improve our place in the world, and improve our odds of attracting the opposite sex.
So what are these essential needs? Here’s my take on it.
- Food and water
- Shelter and clothing
- Security and stability
- Entertainment and variety
- Appreciation from others for what we have to offer
- Personal growth and development, self improvement
These things are what we all crave. I won’t dive into these needs too deeply today, but keep in mind that any time someone is unhappy, it’s likely because of a deficit in one of these needs.
Let’s start with a case study. Why are high school girls attracted to the football team’s quarterback?
In high school, football is one of the principal sources of entertainment, an essential need. Everyone shows up to the games and is ready to cheer for the team during times of victory, and shout during any losses. No matter the outcome of the game, one thing is essential – watching football satisfies our essential need for entertainment.
And who is right at the center of attention during the football games? That’s right – the quarterback. The high school quarterback is attractive because he satisfies all of those high school girl’s need for entertainment in a big way.
It doesn’t stop there. The quarterback is also likely pretty fit and muscular (for a high school kid, anyway). Being muscular satisfies women’s essential need for security in a way, because they feel on a subconscious level that he could protect them in times of physical danger.
Most importantly, the quarterback is a leader. A leader has a plan. A leader makes others feel secure, which is a big factor in attraction.
This case study reveals an important principle for teenagers and twenty-somethings:
When we’re young, we’re usually most attracted to the person who satisfies our need for entertainment.
Yes, this is why in addition to the quarterback, we’re also attracted to the person who throws the best parties, or has parents who let him or her take his friends on fun trips, or who has a pool in the back yard. You get the idea.
Of course, as we grow up, our priorities and needs change. Consequently, the type of person we are most attracted to changes. Perhaps your need for security and stability takes priority and thus you’re more attracted to someone with a stable career. Perhaps you’re already secure on your own and now you’re simply looking to learn new things. In this case you’d be more attracted to a person who can teach you something. This leads us to another, more specific principle:
As our lives develop, we are most attracted to the person who is most able to satisfy our most urgent essential needs.
In other words, as our needs change in priority, the qualities we look for in a romantic partner change priority too.
Let’s examine another case study. Why are women attracted to Ryan Gosling?
Like the high school quarterback, he satisfies the need for entertainment and variety in a big way. Both with his classic good looks and his talent for acting, he is a natural at keeping people entertained.
In addition, he has a successful actor’s income, which of course leads to food, shelter, and security.
What about appreciation from others? Well, he might not directly satisfy that need for all of the women who love him, but his role in The Notebook certainly gave every woman who saw that movie the IDEA that he can. So there’s that.
The only thing he doesn’t satisfy for his fans is the need for personal growth, unless of course you’re an aspiring actor and can learn from him.
Ryan Gosling is attractive because he can adequately satisfy almost all six essential needs in a person.
So if the qualities we’re attracted to are always changing, how do we ensure that our romantic life is always the best it can be?
In order to ensure the best possible romantic life for yourself, you must always develop skills and qualities that satisfy the six essential needs of others.
This isn’t just about others. By developing such skills, you are increasing your intrinsic value as a person and enriching your life in a big way. It’s not just about dating, it’s about building a life that you love and are excited about every day.
Confidence by itself is not what makes us attractive. Confidence is a RESULT of ACTUALLY BEING AN ATTRACTIVE PERSON.
And what does it take to actually be an attractive person? It takes traits, talents, and qualities that satisfy the needs of others in some way.
Once you’re actually an attractive person who can satisfy the needs of others, you’ll then have the natural confidence to pursue any man or woman your heart desires. You’ll know, before you even approach that sexy person across the party, that you are attractive enough to win his or her affection.
They save love is a battlefield. Let’s not forget the words of Sun Tzu in The Art of War:
Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.
Truly attractive people focus on developing themselves into attractive people, not on “tricks,” or “games,” or “flirting techniques.”
So what’s stopping you from emulating these characteristics? What’s stopping you from becoming your best self?
All it takes is action. Take the first step toward improving yourself today. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. I challenge you to use 2014 to make yourself permanently more attractive and awesome. I’ll be right there with you.
The Date Advice Guy
P.S. To make things easier, I’ve included a long list of ideas to get you going. Choose your favorite, or choose the one that seems easiest. Any of these ideas will make you a better, more attractive person.
Remember, different people have different priorities, and what’s attractive to one person isn’t always attractive to another. As you develop the following habits and skills, you’ll simply be increasing your odds of attracting any new person that you meet.
Food and Water
- Learn how to cook interesting and tasty food. The more types of dishes you can make, the more likely you are to impress someone. Here’s my favorite book on the subject.
- Learn where the best and most interesting restaurants are in your city.
Shelter and Clothing
- Keep your place clean, well-decorated, and comfortable.
- Learn how to dress well(for yourself and for the opposite sex) so you can give fashion advice.
Security and Stability
- Make thorough long-term plans for your life and career, and commit to them.
- Always stick to your word; don’t make commitments you can’t keep.
- Be quick to admit your mistakes and correct them.
- Don’t be flaky; if you make plans with someone, keep them.
Entertainment and Variety
- Always look your best. Dress well.
- Develop interesting hobbies and talents and share them with others.
- Learn how to tell good stories and funny jokes. Practice public speaking. Here’s another favorite book of mine on the subject.
- Learn how to organize fun social gatherings.
- Learn about all the best restaurants, bars, nightclubs, music venues, museums, etc. in your city.
- Always be on the lookout for new, interesting people. Make friends with them.
- Learn how to be great in bed.
Appreciation from others
- Learn how to give a sincere compliment without expecting something in return
- Directly tell your lover what you appreciate about him or her and why you’re thankful that he or she is in your life. Do this often and change up what you talk about.
- Express sincere gratitude and appreciation for anything someone else does for you
- When someone does something nice for you, return in kind in the future.
- Remember the values of the people around you, and take action to show that you find these values important too.
- If someone has a skill or area of knowledge you admire, tell him or her so and let him or her teach it to you. Express sincere gratitude afterwards.
- Learn how to be great in bed.(Yes, it applies here too.)
- For all of your hobbies, skills, and areas of knowledge that you’ve developed, offer to teach it to others.
- Learn how to encourage others to better themselves and achieve their goals. Learn how to motivate.
- Make sure that you are always improving yourself in some way. This will encourage those around you to do the same.
Send feedback or submit a question at Questions@DateAdviceGuy.com!