Today’s post is written by Sarah Williams of Get-a-Wingman.com, where she publishes dating advice for single guys. Today she has written this article for women who may need some help deciding when to move on!
When you start dating a person, everything usually goes smoothly in the beginning. You find each other attractive and try to put your best foot forward. Infatuation may lead you both to compromise your individuality when it comes to your relationship. Sometimes the situation between you and your new partner goes smoothly and a good relationship that lasts naturally develops. But that’s not how it should always go! We keep forgetting that finding a person that really lives up to our expectations and who also wants to be with us, is extremely rare. Everyone has their own characteristics, habits, and things that they are used to, so it’s difficult living up to somebody else’s expectations..
None of us want just a mediocre relationship. While we are young, we want to share our life and our best moments with someone who really deserves it and brings us happiness. It’s something that everyone dreams about, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s easy to achieve. Nowadays, the media influences our idea of the “perfect” relationship. You might think of two lovers from a romantic comedy, getting together after some initial turbulence. The final scene of these movies usually shows us how beautiful their relationship is and how happy they are, making us think that it’s relatively easy to find our one “true love.”and that it will automatically go great once we find this person. But these romantic comedies never show us what happens after a few months or even a few years? Nope! Most of our romantic relationships in life fail, and the sooner we understand why the better.
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t want to tell you that it’s impossible to find true love. I’m a romantic and still believe in the possibility of finding a soul mate. But after many experiences and thoughts on this subject, I have realized that the idea of the perfect relationship is a myth. Many couples break up because they are not equally invested in the relationship. One person hurts the other almost every single day. Or after a long time together, they seem happy, but really are not and no longer feel satisfied. They are afraid of breaking up because they don’t think they can be alone. Below I have described a few situations when giving up and moving on to the next guy are the only rational decisions.
Situation 1: You like a guy but he clearly isn’t that into you.
This is a very common situation and I’m 100% percent sure that this has happened to every girl. Even the most attractive girls get rejected, cheated on or dumped sometimes. Not everyone in the world is going to appreciate us for who we are. I have noticed that there is a common thread running through most relationship issues. You like a guy that’s out of your reach and dream of, his attention, but at the same time you might be rejecting someone else that may be an ideal companion. And I’m sure the guy you are currently rejecting has other people interested in him.
Sometimes when we like a guy, and we think that he may have feelings for us as well, we get excited. You may text him but what if he doesn’t respond after a while. If this has happened to you then the guy is clearly just not that into you. For your own sake, in this situation it’s better to give up on him. Of course, he may just be shy or something. You can try to break him out of his shell, by smiling, texting, and talking to him. You may even casually ask him out. If he clearly isn’t responding positively to your attempts don’t deceive yourself into thinking that he is too shy to make a move, or that he hasn’t noticed your advances. Guys aren’t that complicated, and you have better things to do than waste your time. If he was interested in you, then he would have responded to your messages and taken some initiative of his own. Guys don’t like when a girl is too pushy. Don’t be like one of those girls they want to avoid, or the girl they tell their friends “this is the girl who is stalking me”. If he isn’t that into you, and you flirt with him without success, give up and move on to another guy. After all, flirting with someone else can also make him regret that he rejected you and make him desire you even more.
Situation 2: You have different expectations for the relationship.
Often times, guys don’t want to get into anything serious or get involved in an earnest relationship. It’s like they have an “allergic” reaction to commitment nowadays. After dating several guys myself and talking to my girlfriends, I have noticed that guys, especially the good-looking ones in their twenties, avoid committed relationships. They can be good and sensitive guys that are mature on many levels, but they just don’t want to get into anything serious at this point in their lives. Usually it isn’t even about sex; they want to build intimacy with a girl they like, hanging out and doing things with. Going out to dinner, watching movies, and other activities can be a lot of fun. The problems begin when you become invested in the relationship and start falling in love, start feeling like a girlfriend, then, they deliver the ultimate blow: ”let’s keep it casual.” If this is your situation then you aren’t alone, and I understand how you feel. This recently happened to me, and has also happened to many of my girlfriends.
To avoid getting hurt, we have to take into consideration that guys are genetically programmed differently than us. We form attachments quickly, and the hormone oxytocin is what is to blame. Oxytocin is the hormone responsible for many aspects of reproduction. Whenever we have sex with a guy, this hormone is produced in much higher quantities in the female body than in the male one. In addition, guys are genetically programmed to reproduce with as many partners as possible to ensure they pass on their genes. In contrast, females tend to look for the best partner possible, and when we find him, we focus on keeping him. In today’s libertine society, nature and society work against the female ideal. We can’t do anything about it. If a guy clearly doesn’t want to get involved in a serious relationship we can’t force him to.
I also have trouble believing that meeting a guy “casually”, hoping that he will finally decide to commit to us, won’t bring us anything but additional pain and disappointment. If we feel that we want something serious, it’s better to give up on a “player” and find a guy that’s happy and isn’t afraid of having a “girlfriend.”
Situation 3: You stay with him because you are afraid to be alone.
Read it again. Do you understand how ignorant that sounds? But surprisingly, many couples stick with each other because they are afraid of being alone. I honestly think that if we are afraid of being alone, that means that there is something wrong with our self-esteem. Before we can build a healthy relationship with another person, we need to have a healthy, positive relationship with ourselves. Being with someone you don’t really like, just because it’s better than being alone isn’t a good reason. When you are in unhappy relationship you are automatically closing the door to new experiences that may be much more valuable to you. Don’t be afraid of being alone sometimes. If you are afraid of feeling lonely and depressed, find out the cause of these feelings. Your happiness comes from within., and I certainly believe that if a person can’t be happy alone, she or he will not be able to be happy with someone else either.
Situation 4: You are with your boyfriend because of outside influences.
These outside influences can come from a number of people in your life. For example, you might be with a boyfriend you don’t really like anymore because your family really thinks he is good for you. I’m not encouraging you to be irrational, just the opposite; I think using your head is important, even when it comes to romance. However, if your family approves of your relationship with him, he must have some good qualities. Maybe he’s a great guy with an awesome job. And while that may be an important consideration, do you really want to spend the next 50 years with a person you clearly don’ t like? Another example of this situation becoming problematic may be that your boyfriend had a difficult past and you feel like he needs you. Of course, we feel obligated to help each other as human beings, but being with someone because you feel obligated to help them isn’t a good enough reason to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. We can’t “use” our girlfriend or boyfriend to solve our problems.
Situation 5: He isn’t treating you right.
This is an extreme example—when you absolutely have to give up on a guy and move on to the next one. If your boyfriend repeatedly cheats on you, offends you and is aggressive towards you, don’t assume that it’s going to change. If he is doing those things now, early in the relationship, imagine how he will behave years from now when you are older. You don’t have to suffer and I’m sure you don’t really want to—break up with this guy now. Life is too short to spend too much time being unhappy. You deserve to spend your time with a person that is going to appreciate and love you for who you are.
Generally, I think it’s worth fighting for what and whom you love—try working on the relationship. But there are some situations when giving up and moving on to the next guy is the only solution. Building a healthy, stable relationship isn’t easy. Nobody said that it would be. If you see that a relationship with a person doesn’t give you the satisfaction and happiness you deserve don’t be afraid to move on. Let go, and learn to be alone and appreciate the new opportunities that life has in store for you.
Last but not least, if you want to dig deeper into the subject and psychology of difficult relationships, and if by some miracle you still haven’t watched them, I recommend that you watch these movies: “
He's Just Not That Into You” and “
Blue Valentine.” Good luck!
I’m Sarah Williams, a 27-year old freelance writer that is passionate about psychology. After several relationships and many dates, I would like to share my honest female perspective about dating with you on my blog: www.get-a-wingman.com. After all, I’m just a hopeless romantic trying to figure it all out.