I see this pretty often. A guy likes a woman, but for any number of reasons, she has zero romantic interest in him. Of course there’s nothing wrong with this. A woman has absolutely no obligation to be nice to a guy or entertain his romantic advances just because he is attracted to her. And in fact, she shouldn’t!
But here’s the problem. I see far too many women who are simply unable to say no to a guy that she isn’t into. Although she doesn’t find him attractive; she just can’t find it in her heart to give him the cold-hearted truth. “I’m not attracted to you, and I never will be. Please stop trying to get my attention; it won’t get you anywhere.”
Instead, she’ll play along and entertain his come-ons just to avoid confronting him and letting him down. She’ll smile and be her sweet, friendly self. She’ll try to be nice by finding some redeeming quality about him and complimenting him on it (“you’re such a nice guy…”). Maybe she’ll even agree to get lunch or coffee with him after he asks her a few times and she just can’t say no any more. And all the while, she keeps hoping and wishing that he’ll “take the hint” and stop pursuing her.
I know that you’re just trying to be nice, and we appreciate that. But you must realize that while you are certainly being nice in the short-term, you’re actually doing more harm for both of you in the long-term.
Keep in mind, if you do find that a guy may have potential even if you didn’t immediately find him attractive, go for it! If he turns out to be a quality guy who has demonstrated determination and commitment by pursuing you this long, he may be worth a shot.
But, here’s where you’d be doing us guys (and yourself!) a great deal of good if you could adopt this one, simple habit:
If a guy likes you, and he falls into your “no way, no how” category, please avoid wasting both of your time and just say NO right away.
Tell him that you don’t think spending time together is a good idea, that you don’t find him attractive “in that way” and that he should move on. Be very clear, and very blunt about it. I’m serious. There’s no room for sugar-coating here. Be blunt, direct, even a little mean if you have to.
If you really want to be extra nice and helpful, you could even tell him exactly WHY he isn’t the guy for you and give him some direction for self-improvement.
“But Date Advice Guy, is this really necessary?”
Yes, it is. Trust me. If a guy likes you, he will take any tiny bit of friendliness or perceived affection he gets from you as a sign that he has a chance with you, and he will continue to try to get your attention. This is simply a waste of both of your time.
I’m saying this as a guy who has been rejected many, many times by women that I spent weeks trying to get the attention of. Yes, it sucked. Yes, I even resented the women who did it to me for a while. But do you know what I would say to all of those women who rejected me if I could meet them again?
“I don’t understand,” you say. Let me explain the magic here. When you coldly reject a guy who has no chance with you, here’s what happens:
- You save yourself a lot of time and hassle and can go on about your life without some weirdo trying to hit on you.
- The guy you rejected gets sad for a while and wonders why he can’t get the women he wants.
- He mentally reviews all of his interactions with you and makes an inventory of what he thought he did correctly, and what he thought he did wrong.
- He searches for books, magazines, websites, or friends who can possibly teach him about what it means to be an attractive man and how to interact with women.
- He works on improving himself in some way to make himself more attractive.
- He moves on to the next woman and tries again.
- He repeats this process until he is no longer unattractive to the women he wants.
- He thinks back to you, the woman who coldly rejected him back when he was unattractive, and is grateful. Everybody wins!
On the contrary, let’s see what happens when you’re nice to a guy who has no chance with you:
- You get annoyed daily by a guy you want nothing to do with.
- You have to bear with the frustration of trying to avoid hurting his feelings.
- Your friends wonder what you’re doing spending time with a guy who clearly isn’t your type.
- The guy thinks things are going well. He thinks that what he’s doing is working for him, which only solidifies his bad habits.
- He continues to pursue you because you keep letting him think he has a chance.
- You spend days, weeks, even months dealing with this annoying situation.
- Everyone wastes time.
As you can see, if along the way some girl leads him on by being fake-friendly with him, it only slows down the process of becoming an attractive person.
So please, go out there and help us guys move down the path of self-improvement and find the woman who is finally a good match for us. It’s a win-win. We shall thank you later!
– The Date Advice Guy
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