To make matters worse – one (or both!) of you usually still has feelings for the other, and these feelings can seem impossible to get rid of. This leads to many nights of tears, jealousy, wishes of going back in time, and worst of all – lots of time wasted that you could have spent being happy (or meeting someone new!).
I’d say the most frustrating situation of all is to get trapped in the “on again, off again” loop for months and months on end. You know deep down that it isn’t going to work out in the long run, but you just can’t shake those lingering feelings that keep you coming back to try “one more time.”
Would it not be easier to just get over your ex and move on? Wouldn’t it be easier to save yourself the frustration, wasted feelings, and wasted time?
If you know that a relationship with this person is never going to work for you and you are ready to move on, here are some insights that will help you speed up the process.
The main thing to keep in mind after a break up is that you were once a capable and independent single person before this relationship and that in time, you will be a capable and independent single person again. As I’ve explained before, being in a relationship is not required for you to be happy. A break up will hurt, but not forever.
Furthermore, do not feel sorry for yourself! If someone breaks up with you, it does not mean that you are undatable. It just means that this person was not a good match for you. Remember – finding a good match takes work, but is also sometimes a game of luck.
Next, figure out what was wrong with the relationship and with your ex. Take your ex off of the pedestal and start thinking of things you did not like about the situation. No relationship is perfect. It could be that your personalities were incompatible, that one of you did something wrong, or that you were just too busy for each other, anything! This is a learning opportunity. Take note of what you figure out – this is what you AREN’T looking for in your future new relationship.
Stop Thinking About This Person
The biggest mistake that people make when trying to get over someone is thinking that maintaining friendly contact with this person will make things easier.
It won’t. Until you are completely over someone, spending “friendly” time together will only prolong your feelings and make things worse.
The absolute quickest way to get over someone is to cut off ALL contact until the feelings have completely passed.
- No phone calls (delete the phone number!)
- No texting
- No letters (if you’re still into that)
- Delete each other on social media. Make sure you cannot see any of his profile or posts. Block him if you have to.
- If possible, avoid places that you are likely to run into this person
- And DO NOT use mutual contacts to get information about each other. Absolutely no “Did he say anything about me?” or “Is he seeing anyone new?” If this is hard, avoid any of your ex’s friends for a while.
In addition, get rid of anything that reminds you of this person. Photos, gifts, any thing he left at your place, everything.
Keeping up with what your ex is up to will only prolong your feelings and possibly lead to resentment, drama, and jealousy (which you shouldn’t be feeling anyway!).
You goal here is to avoid all thoughts of this person and be completely oblivious to anything he is up to, who he is spending time with, and how he feels about you. It is all irrelevant and will only slow you down from your goal: getting over your old feelings and moving on to better things.
Finally, have fun! Do things that you enjoy, spend time with friends and family who make you happy, read this article, and enjoy life. Even go as far as – gasp – going on a date with someone new! You are single now, and being single is fun if you do it right!
Can you be friends with an ex?
Good question. To give you the short answer, no. You can not be friends with an ex.
Here are two reasons why.
- One (or both) of you may still have feelings for the other person. If you both are not completely over each other, it can lead to one of you attempting to get back together. This can end in two ways – you get back into a relationship that was doomed from the beginning, or the person who tries to start things back up gets hurt and embarrassed. In the long run, being friends with an ex is usually a big waste of both of your time.
- Being friends with your ex can be a huge red flag and turn off for any new potential romances. Even if you truly are over your ex, other people you meet may not see it that way. They could assume that you aren’t ready to commit to a new person, that you may end up cheating on them with your ex, or that your ex will eventually cause drama in the relationship. If you’re hoping to meet someone new, it’s best to avoid any perceived “baggage.”
Considering these factors, it’s best to just end any friendship completely (in a civilized way, if possible) until both of you have completely moved on.
At the most, you can be “passive” friends with an ex. A “passive” friend is a friend that you acknowledge when running into, and that’s about it. Neither of you make any “active” effort to spend time with each other. An “active” friend is someone you look forward to calling on the weekends to hang out with. A “passive” friend is someone you may have mutual friends with and run into occasionally, say hello to for a few minutes, and then leave to go on your separate ways. See the difference?
By keeping it to a “passive” friendship, it eliminates the two risks I mentioned above. Unless you are 100% certain that these risks aren’t an issue, keep your distance with an ex.
How do you know that you’re really over an ex?
Here’s an easy test to determine if you’re really over your ex.
Imagine that your ex is dating someone else and has strong feelings for that person. If this thought bothers you in the slightest, you are not fully over your ex. Until you feel completely content with the idea of your ex being with someone else, you are not fully over your ex.
Remember, before you can have a successful relationship, you must know what you want. And before you know what you DO want, you have to learn what you DON’T want. Break ups are great for learning these things. You will get through this, and you will be stronger and smarter because of it.
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