There’s a term that my boys and I like to throw around as we go about the single-and-dating lifestyle. We meet women, hang out with them a few times, maybe start hooking up.. and the time comes when we have to determine if she’s worth committing to or not. Typically, we don’t discuss too many details amongst the guys, but one term we’ll put out there pretty often is “oh yea man, she’s relationship material.”
That term is usually the only detail we need to share with other guys for them to get the point: this girl is one worth sticking around with, and could be the one we decide to commit to. If the man himself is ready for a relationship (a whole other topic in itself) and describes a woman this way, we may have the workings for a committed, exclusive relationship.
Of course, there are plenty of things that could take her out of that category and into the “Eh, she’s fun, but not relationship material. I’ll keep seeing her for a bit but keep it at that” category. This is the outcome that leads to a lot of confusion and frustration among you women, and with good reason. I mean, if a guy continues to see you, it should mean he wants to commit eventually, right?
Unfortunately not. Some factors are bad enough to make you “not relationship material,” but not bad enough for him to stop seeing you completely, leading to the situation above.
So what are these reasons that men won’t commit to you? What takes you out of the “relationship material” category? I will describe a few common reasons here. If you don’t have any of these negative traits, odds are good that you’re the kind of woman we want to settle down with!
1. You have no personal long-term goals
Before you can be ready for a stable relationship, you must demonstrate stability in your own life. We need to know that you have some long-term vision for yourself, otherwise we can’t have any long-term vision for a relationship with you. So make sure you have an ideaof where you’ll be and what you’ll be doing in the next five to ten years. You don’t have to know the exact answer (we probably don’t either), but at least have some general direction beyond what party you’re going to next weekend.
2. You treat your immediate family members badly
So things might be going well with the new guy you’re dating. You’re super sweet to each other and having a great time. So you decide to introduce him to the family.
Then we get to your house and see that you are very rude to your sister. She asks you for a small favor, and you snap at her “do it yourself, lazy ass!” Then later in the night you argue with your parents because they forgot to make your favorite soup for dinner, telling them “ughhh you ALWAYS forget things I ask for.”
We are only left with one assumption: you may be sweet now, but if we were to get married, eventually you’d treat US the same way.
3. You bring up marriage and children too quickly
“I thought I’d be married by now.”
“I want to have kids before I’m 30.”
“All of my friends are married already – do you think there’s something wrong with me?”
These are all perfectly normal thoughts to have, but definitely not good things to mention on the first few dates. If we get the feeling that you’re desperate for marriage and a family, it tells us that you don’t care who it’s with and that we don’t even matter in the question. In the early stages of a relationship, it’s all about fun and compatibility. Marriage and kids are a discussion for much farther down the road.
4. You still play “games” – even when we’re already dating you
Playing hard to get, being flaky and inconsistent, flirting with other men to try to make us jealous.. all of these and similar behaviors are big indicators of immaturity and instability. Don’t do it. If you have no problem playing immature games, we will have no problem playing YOU and moving on to the next girl.
5. You are irresponsible with money
Like having no long-term goals, being irresponsible with money tells us that you have no regard for the future. If you aren’t considerate of the future, we won’t consider you as part of OUR future. Have your money situation together.
6. You are high-maintenance
Requiring constant communication, lots of gifts and attention, and frequent reassurance are huge red flag for us. We are happy to do nice things for you to keep you satisfied in the relationship, but if dating you begins to feel like a full-time job for us, we definitely won’t stick around for long. A good relationship has a balance of “effort” – you treat each other well and to the best of your abilities.
You should be able to keep yourself comfortable and happy on your own – BEFORE you get into a relationship.
7. You are insecure with yourself
If there’s one thing that I see annoying guys all the time, it’s women who can’t accept compliments. He says your hair looks beautiful, you say “oh no, it looks like crap but thanks!” You just made two mistakes: you insulted his taste, and you showed him that you’re insecure with your appearance.
We all have shortcomings, and recognizing them so that you can improve upon them is a good thing. The problem is when you allow your shortcomings to define you and take away for your own confidence and security.
Insecurity is not sexy. And more importantly, insecurity leads to jealousy. You think your butt is too small, so now you get irrationally jealous every time your man interacts with a woman who has a larger butt. Jealousy is a big indicator of long-term problems in the relationship.
Remember, if we are going to commit to you, it’s because we admire and respect all aspects of you (even the ones that you might think are shortcomings). When we give you a compliment – we mean it!
8. You don’t have “your own life”
We like to date women who have some cool stuff going on – career, hobbies, friends, all the good stuff. For a few main reasons:
- It makes you more interesting
- It shows that we may be able to learn something from you – definitely attractive
- It shows that we may have some fun new experiences with you
- It shows that you won’t look to spend every waking hour with us, expecting us to make life interesting FOR you
It’s important to have your own interesting life as a single person because it makes you more attractive, and makes it less likely that you will get tired of each other. In a committed long-term relationship, it can be tough to keep things fresh and exciting. Having your own separate lives is a good way to help.
9. You are messy
This may seem petty, but it’s not. If your car, your place of living, or your appearance are messy and poorly kept, it reflects on your discipline and character. If you live a lazy lifestyle, we assume you’ll be lazy in the relationship as well – not good for long-term commitment. Keep it tidy.
I’ll go ahead and address the big question. No, having sex with a man too quickly does not keep him from committing to you. In fact, I more often see the opposite: men often won’t commit to a woman who makes him wait too long for sex (or makes him put in too much effort).
Honestly, the amount of time you wait to have sex with a guy is irrelevant. If a man does not want to commit to you, having sex with him will not change his mind. Likewise, if a man DOES want to commit to you, having sex with him “too quickly” won’t change his mind either. What really matters is your overall quality as a person and as a match for us.
We like sex. We want to commit to a woman who also likes sex. If we like everything else about you (and you don’t display the other behaviors on this list), and you show that you’re open to sex, this is often the right way to go if you’re hoping for commitment. If everything else is going well (and you aren’t getting the player vibe from him), go for it!
Avoid these ten behaviors, and you’ll be well on your way toward catching the eye of a man who’s ready for commitment. Just remember – always work on being fun and interesting, and demonstrate your long-term quality as a person.
The Date Advice Guy
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